Hospital Guy-Part 1

For the last two weeks, I have been meaning to write, but I really have had no time. A lot has changed. I was at the hospital for some testing, and I had to stay for a week. While I was there, I met a really cool guy, so naturally I gave him my number. It was kind of as a joke to me, because I knew he wouldn't call, but I wanted to see if I could do it, and I felt a rush of adrenaline from feeling so nervous. Although I was not the one who actually gave it to him, when he came back after I knew he received it, I got really really nervous. He didn't say anything about it, and I didn't get a call.

20 days later, I am sitting with my friends and my ex when I get a text message asking how I am doing. I answer 'ok' with a question mark, because I don't recognize the number. Guess who it is-hospital guy!!! I was in the clouds that night, and even more so during the Superbowl. We had a 6 hour conversation; sure, it was texting, but I have never had that long of a conversation with anyone before. Things were looking up for me.

At first, I wasn't sure what to think of it. Whether we were friends heading toward a date, whether it was just a dating situation, or whether we were just friends. I wanted the second one, but I didn't want to assume anything. A month later, we've cancelled and rescheduled the first date at least three times (not on my end), and he usually says he'll text me the next day but he never does. I know he's busy; he works 12 hour shifts. He also told me that he works out an outrageous amount of hours (outrageous being my term). That's the bad news-he's like Ahnold (lol). The good news is, he doesn't drink, do drugs, go out clubbing (that's not really a big deal to me), and he's a really cool guy. Somehow I usually get the shy guy; hospital guy is definitely not that, and he is upfront and honest, which is good. I remember when I left the hospital and was talking to my friend, I had told her that I gave him my number but I knew he wasn't going to call. She looked at me funny, and then I told her that even if he doesn't call, his purpose in reference to me was to show me what I should be looking for in a guy. I thank him for that, because shy guys tend to not want to leave the house at all, and I tend to "scare" them. I get pretty hyper sometimes, and I can't stand a guy with no sense of humor. Hospital guy happens to like one of the same comedians I do, which is always a plus. I figure that since he's been pretty insistent about the date too, that he's not just blowing me off. He's had valid reasons every time, and whenever he finds out that he has something after we already had a date planned, he tells me it's gonna happen. It's not like we live in the same city right now or anything. When I'm at home, he lives about 15 minutes away from me. Right now it's an hour and a half lol. Unfortunately I don't remember what he looks like (I only saw him twice a month ago), but I do remember I was extremely attracted to him. Not only for his appearance, which I do appreciate, but because he seems like a great guy. I would like to get to know him, but so far it's been pretty hard. I'm starting to get frustrated that plans keep falling through, but I'm keeping with it. I don't think I've ever been this patient before.

?

Winter Break over, time to get back to the real world

The rest of the break went pretty well I guess. I went to get tested for epilepsy, and I got the diagnosis I knew I would get. Oh well, at least the doctor got some objective data rather than going off the information I give him. I was actually surprised at how nice the staff was. It felt like they actually wanted to make sure I was ok, rather than seeing their job as another obligation; I love it when customer service is genuine rather than faked.

One of the staff members, a PCT, whose name I will not disclose, I was particularly attracted to. I gave him my number, although I doubt he will call. I don't know his age, or if he's even available, but I do know that he's very person-oriented. Extroverted, fun, easy to talk to (very important), very attractive, and charismatic. I liked his laugh, his voice in general I guess. He seemed pretty confident, and we had a significant amount of things in common. Although he won't call, I think he did serve a purpose. He was there to show me what I really want in a guy. My past boyfriends were shy, did not communicate particularly well, and not willing to experience new things. I have a feeling this guy would have been willing to. I'm pretty sure he was at least 3 years older, but I did not ask, although my grandmother was tempted, though not for me. He's from the same area as we are, and he did live close to our neighborhood for awhile. I wish I would have met him sooner, and it's too bad that we met when I had electrodes and whatnot attached to my head. I was bedridden and not able to shower for four days, definitely not attractive which was unfortunate. Not to mention the fact that I was there for a physical/mental handicap (apparently the seizures are stress-induced although they could become electrical in the future). Had he met me in other circumstances, he probably would have actually considered me as a possible date. Who knows. I was just happy to meet him. Before I did the test, I wasn't looking forward to it. Because the staff in general were so friendly, I  enjoyed my time there and part of me wishes I had not left. Highly doubtful that they would let me stay to hang out with the staff for free lol.

Now I am back at work. I really do enjoy my job, probably because I get to watch movies and work the hours I want. Not that that's part of my job. It mostly entails answering questions about living on campus, logging work orders, handing out toilet paper and other various items the residents need, and doing setups for meetings and such. My favorite part is just meeting people; I have become more outgoing since I first arrived here, and it's not a bad thing. Not that being introverted is bad, but one can get so much farther in life by being people-oriented. Better jobs, less loneliness, etc. Although I am somewhat shy with people I have just met, I don't have as much trouble with approaching others with things I need; it's less frustrating for me.

Christmas break...still bored

...

What do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back? I know that I'm not the only person who has this problem, but it doesn't feel that way. It's killing me, especially when the person tells you things that make you feel great, that gives you hope, and then tells you the next day that they didn't mean any of it. It's happened to me more than once, and you'd think I would learn, but I keep crawling back. At least the pain is familiar. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. He would never date me even if he wasn't with her. They have been in their off and on again relationship for about 4 years, and you'd think that with all that has happened with them, he would just end it right off. I can make him happy, I know it. But he would never give me the chance. He says that he sees me as a friend and that's all we are ever gonna be. Now I know how guys feel when they hear the word 'friend', and it sucks. I thought girls only did that; stupid stereotype I know. I wish I could go back 2 years, not gotten so close. I wouldn't be in love with him right now. I wouldn't be on the verge of tears every time I think about how he will never have feelings for me. He's my idea of perfect, but I'm not his, and I hate that. That I'm not even an option for him. I hate having to give up; my mom told me that you can do anything if you work hard enough and if you want it enough. This is the one thing I want; if nothing else goes right in my life, I'll be fine with it if I could be with him. Love is one of those things though, that no matter what you do, you can't change a person's mind. You can't make them feel the way you do, and I hate that more than anything. I'm not a quitter, and I don't give up, but with this I have no other option. I would give almost anything to have a chance. I'm in love with him; we click and he knows it. The thing is, if you think about someone while you are dating someone else, chances are you shouldn't be in that relationship anymore. I would be ticked if I had a boyfriend who thought about another girl at all in the way that he thinks of me. That's one of the reasons I broke up with my first ex; because I was thinking about the guy I'm in love with now. Ironic and really crappy. I felt terrible, and I still do. He loved me so much, and I loved him also. He didn't deserve to have a girlfriend who had another guy on her mind more than him on her mind. He's a great guy.

This other guy is amazing; if I need someone to talk to about anything, he's there. He tries to help in any way he can, and he actually cares about how I'm doing. I would go out of my way to help him, and he knows that. I would never try to ruin his relationship, because I'm not that cruel and I want him to be happy. I just wish he could be happy with me instead. I told him that if they ever broke up for good, that he should consider me, although I know they'll never break up. He told me he wants to marry her, and I hate that but there's nothing I can do to change it.